uncovering the hidden world of grief
"An invisible thread connects those who are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle, but it will never break."Ancient Chinese Belief Gage was right from the start that we were meant to be together, even if I didn’t believe him. Thankfully, his stubbornness paid off and we... Continue Reading →
Gage would be turning 50 today. What would it be like had he lived? I can’t help think that even though I’m told not to. I immediately think of all the great conversations we all would have had with him, especially the kids. He was amazing at understanding where they were coming from with an... Continue Reading →
“May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears.” — Nelson Mandela Flying back from a work trip last week helped me gain the perspective that I desperately needed. 30,000 feet in the air, good music in my ears, and a pen and paper helped me get clear. Why in the hell was I taking... Continue Reading →
I don’t remember when I stopped really talking to Gage after he died. After sharing fifteen years of our lives together, it was hard to imagine that we would have our last conversation one summer morning in 2014. A quick chat before running to work and getting the kids to the school. I didn’t know... Continue Reading →
The anniversary of Gage’s death doesn’t usually deal the toughest blow; it’s the day after. On June 3, 2014, I watched the sun rise after a sleepless night when I turned off the machines and said goodbye in his dark and quiet hospital room. June 3rd was the first morning without him. I had nine... Continue Reading →
I dreamed Gage was alive last night. Over the eight years since his sudden passing, this doesn’t happen very often anymore. Each time it does, there’s a point in the dream where I know it’s wrong and the old ache rises tight in my chest again, making it hard to breathe. As with every other... Continue Reading →
Open windows are bringing in the earthy breeze and the sounds of the birds. Bella is sitting at the window with her head resting on the sill. Her nose twitches as she catches things on the wind that rustles her hair. I sit at my desk facing the expanse of glass panes that make up... Continue Reading →
I’ve done the right thing for myself as well as the kids with this move. This is the first time in seven years that I can truly say that. Even Bella is enjoying the routine. Long walks multiple times a day. Visits to the kennel to hang with other dogs. She adapts so well to... Continue Reading →
Seven years ago, we were quietly celebrating another wedding anniversary. I had no idea it was going to be our last one that we enjoyed together. Everything that came afterwards irrevocably changed me. Sometimes it makes me so angry that no words come. There is only a dark knowing of how wrong it is. Other... Continue Reading →
I’m excited for our upcoming move away from this town and towards new experiences. Packing some of the kitchen today, I worked on what can stay in a box for a few months. An easy rhythm came to me. Reach, pull, wrap, pack. Music helped me keep pace. Then my hand grabbed the old glass... Continue Reading →
I walked outside tonight and took a deep breath of the fresh, cold winter air. Crisp and bold, it’s the complete opposite of a summer night that’s heavy with living earthy things. Winter air is empty, but strong. I felt that first breath reach down and touch the bottom of my lungs. Stretching up and... Continue Reading →
The Unseen Widow 